So, it's like 1 am and I'm wide awake and the only one in the house still up and my mind is going a hundred miles an hour.  I've go so much that I'm thinking about that I just don't know where to begin but I just have to get it out.  

So, I've been either entirely unemployed or partially unemployed for almost 10 months now and it's really given me plenty of time to think and try and figure out things in myself and my life and what I might want to do.  Some might call it a quarter life crisis of sorts.  I don't know if that title is quite fitting seeing as I'm really very happy with the way my life is at the moment.  I'm nearly broke most of the time but I'm happy.  My crisis comes in that I'd really like to try and maintain the parts of my life that have me happy while I also desire to change the parts of my life that give me nothing but stress.  

I love being home with my daughter.  I love being able to cook and draw and paint and read with her.  I love being able to live life at my pace rather than at the pace of some overbearing employer.  I love working at a place that doesn't drain me of all desire for human interaction.  I love working for people who don't berate me publicly at the slightest sign of imperfection.  I love having the time for self-reflection.  I love being able to focus on where I want my life to go rather than just focussing on the daily grind.  

At the time time, I need to work.  We can't really afford for me not to work.  I want to be able to afford more for my family than just whatever seemingly trival budget DSS grants me for food stamps and the Department of Labor deems my 14+ years in the work force worth.  (I can't believe that I've spent more than half of my life employed already)  I want to be able to not have to always wonder where provision for our basic needs will come from.  

So, I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  Trying to figure out a career that will allow me the time to be home for my family and still earn a living.  I wish I could say that I've figured it all out but really I'm only writing because I am nowhere near figuring it out I fear and it's been keeping me up at night as of late.  I've stayed up way past my bed time the past few nights trying to escape my thoughts with streaming movies from Netflix.  I love Netflix but it hasn't gotten my brain to stop.  I think that God has used the movies that I chose to show me different things.  I noticed some character traits that I desire.  I've also figured out some things that I need to work on.  

Every time that I finally feel like I'm going in the direction that I'm supposed to go, my brain kicks into guilt overdrive, dredging up every little thing that I ever got in trouble for as a child and young adult.  I really need to get some prayer for that.  I need to truly not care what people think of me and remember to only care what God thinks of me.  (That one is really tricky, because sometimes people are the ones that keep you in check and we're made to live in community)  I need to be more honest with myself about when things bother me instead of just trying to ignore them.  I need to make more of an effort with people instead of waiting for people to come to me.  (I'm so used to being on people overload that I seem to have forgotten how to engage people intentionally)  

I have been very blessed in that God uses me and gives me words to say even when I don't realize it and he's made it way easier to make friends when I've needed them but not known how to get to know people.  I mean God has always given me the experiences and desires that have made it easy for me to meet people but I don't think that I've always deserved it.  I don't think that I've been as good a friend to people as they've been to me.  I wish that I felt more confident in my ability to make friends.  I was always the outcast in school and I don't think I ever learned how to make friends.  

But then again maybe it's not a skill that one can learn.  Maybe everyone feels that way sometimes.  Maybe it just feels that way until you get comfortable enough.  Maybe friends are something that can be made but only rather built over time.  I don't know, I don't think I've gotten to that point yet.  I've always felt like I was the back-up friend, except with Danny of course.  I'm sure it doesn't help that I've always had more guy friends than girl friends and now that I'm married with a kid it changes that whole dynamic and I just can't be tight with guys like I used to be, it's just different and I'm different.  It's safe to assume that the friends that I'd be making now would be different than the friends that I had when I was single.  Maybe it's just my perspective that needs to change.  

But one thing that I've been trying to tackle that might actually have a solution...What job could I undertake that would allow me the freedom to do what I love professionally and still maintain the freedom to do the things that I love at home.  Here's what I've come up with so far:  

1.  I could write one of the many novel ideas in my head and get it published, and channel that into a career.  

2.  I could get my craft/design business by getting things rolling on Etsy.com

3.  I could go to pastry school and decorate cakes for a living.  

Now, there's just one flaw in all of those plans.  None of these ideas have any guaranteed return on investment.  And two of the three ideas actually cost a significant amount of money to finance and get going.  How does one take a leap of faith and jump into something when there is actual cost involved yet no return? I mean following God and moving to Colorado actually makes sense to me because I feel called.  Yet, trying to jump start any of these ideas into a career scares me out of my mind.  

Do I know that I can write well, sure.  Do I think I can make a career of it, maybe.  
Do I know that I can sew and knit and crochet well, yeah. But do I think I can sell my wares for a profit, from past experience not so much.  
Do I know that I can design and decorate cakes, definitely.  But do I think I can turn it into a business that won't tank in under 3 years, the odds are stacked against me.   

I just don't know what to do.  So, when I can't fix a problem, I blog about it.  I mean I can't figure out the solutions to my problems but hey maybe my plight can help someone else figure out theirs.  But at the least, my brain is finally quieting down and maybe now I'll be able to sleep.  So, here's hoping! Tootles

Well, I was having a good day.  Things hadn't gone perfect at work but rarely a week passes that something doesn't go wrong but that's just life right.  I came home to a wonderful greeting from a sweet and spunky Joey.  I got my work done at home without any interruptions.  Things were going great.  I made some homemade crock-pot pasta sauce with meatballs and pasta for dinner.  I got some knitting done and started running through some magazines and clipping recipes.  

Then my mom called.  I love my mom and I love talking to her.  But I've been trying to get in touch with her to tell her that Danny and I finally decided for sure that we're going to be moving to Colorado.  So, I finally told her today and it really didn't go well.  I was really hoping to be able to discuss it with her.  I really wanted to be able to tell her that we're not moving to get away from them but instead to try and make a better life for our family than what we can afford here.  I really wish that I could talk to her about it.  She told me that she couldn't talk about it though and I could tell she was crying and she hung up on me.  I know it's not news that she wanted to hear but I told her a while ago that we were thinking about moving and I wanted to be sure to tell her before the holidays as to not ruin the holidays.  I knew it would be hard but it really just hurt so bad to know that it hurt her so much.  I really hate to make people cry.  

And it really doesn't help that I can't talk to her about how I feel called by God to move there either.  I just don't know how to make her understand why we decided to move.  I just don't know what to do.  It's really hard for us right now and we've been scraping to get by since shortly after we got married when I lost my job back in 2007.  I mean it's been a really hard 3 years and I really hoped that even though it made her sad, she'd at least be able to see that it might be a good opportunity for us.  Ugh.